First, let me just start by saying that I hate the word ‘perfect’, because it’s related to perfectionism, and after all, I AM a recovering perfectionist. But, I don’t have another word to describe the ‘just right-ness’ you can and will find in your life if you learn to embrace rejection.
When I was online dating (a 23 first-date “quest” to learn about myself and figure out what I was looking for in a partner), I decided to EXPECT that 99.9% of men were not going to like me.I kept reminding myself that I only needed one man to be the right man. It was not a numbers game for admirers.
This framework meant that every time I had a date where the guy wasn’t into me, I didn’t think twice about the data.I would just say to myself, ‘Ok, guess he’s in that 99.9%. Let’s move on to the next one.’ It was liberating.
Throughout the entire dating process, I didn’t waste time obsessing about why a guy didn’t like me, I didn’t play games or wait by my phone, or think that I could have done one tiny thing differently, and I wouldn’t have scared him off. I didn’t think about how I could change myself to make more men like me. I didn’t need to do that because that wasn’t the goal.
And let me be clear: It’s NOT because I think I’m perfect or because I have more confidence than everyone else. I have all my own self-doubts and insecurities.But they didn’t show up because of the thought pattern I committed to when I went into the dating process.
We select the data we are looking for. So if we are looking for data that tells us every person will like us, and we NEED every person to like us to fill our giant holes of “not-enoughness,” then we’ll obsess over figuring out how to make that possible.And that’s an impossible, endless, frustrating game because it’s a game you will never win. The rules you created actually guarantee that.
Since my dating ‘process’ and meeting my husband on date 23 (where, btw, I made every dating ‘mistake’ in the book – from head-butting him when he tried to kiss me, to novel long text messages where I basically had full conversations with myself before he ever had time to respond), I have applied this thought framework to other elements in my life – finding a new job, making new friends, networking at events, finding coaching clients, etc.
It works EVERY time.
If you expect that rejection is a part of the process, you will be able to persevere and show up as your full self over and over again. You find that you can be more tenacious, more vulnerable, more open-hearted than you ever thought possible.
Let me make sure one other thing isn’t getting twisted here: You are not expecting failure. You are expecting success. But you are expecting that on the road to success, there will be rejection. Keep your eyes on the prize. Visualize success while compassionately guiding yourself on the bumpy road filled with challenges and setbacks.
Don’t look back loves, we’re not going that way.
If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear from you!